Meet Me Tonight in Atlantic City

I started this blog my senior year of high school as part of a school assignment and haven’t been on it in a very long time. I continue to write often, but usually only when I’m sad as it makes me feel better. Like the words that were stuck in my throat and the feelings in my gut that I wasn’t even aware of suddenly unwind themselves in a story. It’s helped me get to know myself- which is a daunting task.

Another perk of a blog is getting to read the stream of consciousness I had at 18. Granted that’s only been 3 years, but I’ve been through a lot of phases of life and growing since then. I have cringed and smiled at who I thought I was then. As my grandmother says “What ever happened to my sweet little girl?” Well, life happened- and it’s a kick-ass roller coaster.

I smile because I was so idealistic and thought I had all the answers. I always thought of life as a race. You race to grow up, get a job, and form relationships. I didn’t know however, that it isn’t a race that you can win. It’s all about the journey. So now I stroll, or strut if you will. I’m not in a hurry because there are wonderful and beautiful moments in every day.

Some may say I have degressed. I’m not as concerned with getting my 8 hours of sleep or with having all the answers. Contrary to what my father has told me often- some good things do happen after 2 AM. And anything you can smile and laugh at is a good thing.

I have no idea where I want life to take me or how I’m going to get there, but I work enough to live and I enjoy myself.

I always like to commit to listening to one song while I reflect. It is like scratching an itch- finding that perfect song that will explain your mood. Right now it’s ‘Atlantic City’ by The Band. To me it’s calming down and enjoying the now.

I don’t have all of the answers- but I laugh daily, love often, shake my ass freely, and am able to sit and enjoy the now- which is perfect to me.

‘Everything dies, baby, that’s a fact; but maybe everything that dies someday comes back. So put your make-up on and fix your hair up pretty. And meet me tonight in Atlantic City.’

The Art of Hiding

They say all I need is a soft touch, but what I crave are rough hands.
Feeling your heat radiate and your heart beat against me is when it all starts to become too much.
You want tender, soft lips- while I need dragging, smothering teeth.
There is no sense of urgency in your calloused hands, while my soft fingers try to devour your flesh in angst. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, which is why I refuse to reveal mine.
For through my eyes you would be able to see past the fire, cynicism, and hatred the soul is hiding behind. Deep in my soul lies a need- a need to be caressed and held.
If you explore into my eyes you would see what I hide from myself.
So grab me, slap me, and fuck me hard.
All I hope is that with enough fuel added to the fire, all will be consumed with only ash remaining.
The most beautiful of diamonds come from incredible pressure and darkness.
I only hope something beautiful or honest is produced before I explode- but nothing beautiful can grow from the ash of a constant fire.
So steal the breath from my lungs and squeeze me- I am not fragile; for there is nothing left to damage.