Meet Me Tonight in Atlantic City

I started this blog my senior year of high school as part of a school assignment and haven’t been on it in a very long time. I continue to write often, but usually only when I’m sad as it makes me feel better. Like the words that were stuck in my throat and the feelings in my gut that I wasn’t even aware of suddenly unwind themselves in a story. It’s helped me get to know myself- which is a daunting task.

Another perk of a blog is getting to read the stream of consciousness I had at 18. Granted that’s only been 3 years, but I’ve been through a lot of phases of life and growing since then. I have cringed and smiled at who I thought I was then. As my grandmother says “What ever happened to my sweet little girl?” Well, life happened- and it’s a kick-ass roller coaster.

I smile because I was so idealistic and thought I had all the answers. I always thought of life as a race. You race to grow up, get a job, and form relationships. I didn’t know however, that it isn’t a race that you can win. It’s all about the journey. So now I stroll, or strut if you will. I’m not in a hurry because there are wonderful and beautiful moments in every day.

Some may say I have degressed. I’m not as concerned with getting my 8 hours of sleep or with having all the answers. Contrary to what my father has told me often- some good things do happen after 2 AM. And anything you can smile and laugh at is a good thing.

I have no idea where I want life to take me or how I’m going to get there, but I work enough to live and I enjoy myself.

I always like to commit to listening to one song while I reflect. It is like scratching an itch- finding that perfect song that will explain your mood. Right now it’s ‘Atlantic City’ by The Band. To me it’s calming down and enjoying the now.

I don’t have all of the answers- but I laugh daily, love often, shake my ass freely, and am able to sit and enjoy the now- which is perfect to me.

‘Everything dies, baby, that’s a fact; but maybe everything that dies someday comes back. So put your make-up on and fix your hair up pretty. And meet me tonight in Atlantic City.’

The Art of Hiding

They say all I need is a soft touch, but what I crave are rough hands.
Feeling your heat radiate and your heart beat against me is when it all starts to become too much.
You want tender, soft lips- while I need dragging, smothering teeth.
There is no sense of urgency in your calloused hands, while my soft fingers try to devour your flesh in angst. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, which is why I refuse to reveal mine.
For through my eyes you would be able to see past the fire, cynicism, and hatred the soul is hiding behind. Deep in my soul lies a need- a need to be caressed and held.
If you explore into my eyes you would see what I hide from myself.
So grab me, slap me, and fuck me hard.
All I hope is that with enough fuel added to the fire, all will be consumed with only ash remaining.
The most beautiful of diamonds come from incredible pressure and darkness.
I only hope something beautiful or honest is produced before I explode- but nothing beautiful can grow from the ash of a constant fire.
So steal the breath from my lungs and squeeze me- I am not fragile; for there is nothing left to damage.

Watch Me Burn

I'm addicted to many things. I'm addicted to change and destructive behaviors and relationships. I'm afraid of happiness and anything stable. I need change and it’s barbed wire coursing through my veins. I need it to breathe no matter how much it hurts. I'm afraid of any love, any type of caring. I don't want feelings. I love the pain of loneliness like a truck on my chest. I love the way it hurts


You may look at me and think I'm a happy person. Or just a bitch. But I do care; I just don't want to know how to show it. I don't like to have my pity parties, but in my experience you get hurt when you care. But then you start to like the hurt. Like the way it feels and not in a dominatrix way. It’s just something else to blame your problems on. Because just as in nature versus nurture, you would not be responsible for your actions. That’s how an addict thinks, and it’s contagious.

They teach you Al-Anon that you cannot change people. You only have control over your own actions. You live by the serenity prayer. Those close to those with an addiction carry the same burden as those affected. But what do you do when that's all you know? I love to be needed, but only by those too destructive to care for me. I only know of one-sided relationships.

I have pushed away so many friends over the years, the short 18 years, and denied so many other relationships.

I have a temper, it's evident and I don't take compliments well because all I think of all day is everything that is wrong with me. I don't even see how anyone is able to look at me or have a conversation with me.

That's the irony of the serenity prayer. I DO have the power to change myself, but I opt to believe I can change others. I choose to believe if I just act a certain way my dad will accept me and love me. He will think I am worthy of his time, instead of just a ride.

I stray away from those who don't need to change. I don't chase those who accept me for me. Probably because I don't accept myself. I have had many years of therapy, which is probably why I’m just so damn insightful. I so badly want to be different, but truly want to fit in.

I don't want to be in a mold, but the thought of one seems like home. I want to reinvent myself, but how do reinvent something you don't even know?

I just wish for someone to read this and say "I get it". But the sad thing is the only way I'm writing this is because I know no one will see it. You won’t see me cry or hear my voice stutter. My eyes will not stray from yours, but each day I sink more and more into myself never to blossom.

I hate many things. I hate the thought of love. The feeling of stability. The sound of happiness. The touch of affection. The air of strength. The taste of contradiction. I hate the concept of hate and I just want the feeling of acceptance.

Someday Never Comes

School’s out! Has been for awhile, just hasn’t really sunken in. Next day after graduation I started a full time job and have no other plans for the future. No college. I’m ashamed every day to think about it. I thought I had it all figured out, but I’m finding out I’m more confused than ever.

I don’t know what I want to do with my life. And I fear that just with everything else, once I get it, I won’t want it. I just want to succeed at something, but the sad thing is I don’t have the talent or the drive.

I’m doing great at my new job. I’m getting better marks than people who have been there for years. But that’s just the problem. I’m doing so well, I’ve made it. Where’s the struggle? I want something fresh and exciting!

I have limited options. I’m not creative or talented enough for any interesting job and I’m too chicken to not have a steady paycheck.

I would love to be a teacher. But considering most all, no pretty much all, of my high school teachers hated me, I don’t think I would fit in that atmosphere.

A cop would be nice, but my family would disown me. On second thought, that might be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I’m in a hurry, but I don’t have anywhere to go. Some would say there’s no where to go but up. That would be nice except I know how to mess things up in a hurry.

I guess I’m just trying to chase that next high. Life high that is, when something is new and exciting. But thanks to Creedence, I know that “someday” never comes.

Karma Is A... You Know

Ever think about karma? It's a crazy thing to think about, some force running our lives. Does that mean that all of our decisions are ours, or do we just pay for them? It is really interesting to think about, my life outside of my hands, it's almost refreshing.

I would like to believe in karama. If you do something good you get rewarded, that's really what we all want. Even better sometimes is those who do bad things get punished. And not by our law, but by the law of the universe, something much greater.

Who decides though? Is there some kind of rule book as to what is deserved for what is done? How can that be fair? It's mind-boggleing to think about. Something way greater than us, but not so much as person but a force. Not to get all Star Wars or whatever I just can't think of anything comparable.

Not only karma, but fate. Are we predestined and all of our decions are not truly ours? That almost wants me to sit back and let things happen, but then fate would already know that I was going to do that and nothing would happen. It's a catch 22. You don't have any of your own thoguhts or actions, that's actually pretty depressing.

Either way, I see how it keeps people going. The good people do good things in hopes that karma will take care of them. They are put at ease knowing the bad people will get taken care of whether in this life or the next.

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

I guess you could blame the lateness of this blog to senioritis, I would like to anyway. Good time to talk about the future because no matter how much I delay projects and homework, it's comeing full-throtle. And I am freaked out!

I know that I need to grow up, but now that the day is coming I want to regress even more. I have always been more grown up for my age, but now I just want to be a kid again. In a month I will be graduated and forced into adulthood, but I will be kicking and screaming the whole time.

I was trying to go to sleep the other night thinking it was the end of an era. That I will never again be so comfy in my bed in my house again. Sure, I will still have the same bed, but I will be living somewhere different without the security of home. And let me tell you, I HATE change, usually.

Basically, I know that I just need to relax and try to get things done, but that just seems like such an impossible task at this time. Right now I almost wish I could be back in kindergarten coloring, but then I think about all of the crap I had to do to being a senior. All in all I will take that diploma and run, but I'm going to grow up on my own time.

Spoiler Alert!

Death. The mention of the word will send a shiver down some people's spine. The thought is thrown out of the mind. Some people don't want to accept that they will one day die. It makes sense though, who wants to think about one day just leaving their friends and family? Not even being able to do the minute things in life. I think it all depends on your outlook and how you can cope.

For some death is a beginning, it is where they are born. Either they get to spend eternity with their maker or having their soul recycled to come back as something else, death's way of going green. But it all depends on what you did with your days on Earth, what kind of person you were that depicts where you will spend eternity. Whether in firey pits or as dung beetle.

Personally, not to get gooberly religious on you, eternity is a long time to spend with anyone, it's like forever. I think the reincarnation gets the better end of the deal. I would like to be a cockroach, they almost live forever, but not eternity. But then if you think of constantly having to come back and struggle and live a whole life, again, it's exhausting. On the other hand, bouncing around a bunch of clouds would be fun for awhile, but eternity? Either way there is no break, no resting period.

And ghosts, forget about it! Who wants scare people for, once again, eternity? Not only would that get boring, but how does that work if the thought scares even you?

However, what if when you died you were just gone? Just nothing? Thought is incredibly depressing, which brings me to my apology for this entire blog. However, in contrast to the alternatives, it really doesn't seem as bad. I think the point is, is no one knows what happens. So just in case live a good life, who wants to end up as that dung beetle or in those firey pits? And live your life because you might not get another chance.