Watch Me Burn

I'm addicted to many things. I'm addicted to change and destructive behaviors and relationships. I'm afraid of happiness and anything stable. I need change and it’s barbed wire coursing through my veins. I need it to breathe no matter how much it hurts. I'm afraid of any love, any type of caring. I don't want feelings. I love the pain of loneliness like a truck on my chest. I love the way it hurts


You may look at me and think I'm a happy person. Or just a bitch. But I do care; I just don't want to know how to show it. I don't like to have my pity parties, but in my experience you get hurt when you care. But then you start to like the hurt. Like the way it feels and not in a dominatrix way. It’s just something else to blame your problems on. Because just as in nature versus nurture, you would not be responsible for your actions. That’s how an addict thinks, and it’s contagious.

They teach you Al-Anon that you cannot change people. You only have control over your own actions. You live by the serenity prayer. Those close to those with an addiction carry the same burden as those affected. But what do you do when that's all you know? I love to be needed, but only by those too destructive to care for me. I only know of one-sided relationships.

I have pushed away so many friends over the years, the short 18 years, and denied so many other relationships.

I have a temper, it's evident and I don't take compliments well because all I think of all day is everything that is wrong with me. I don't even see how anyone is able to look at me or have a conversation with me.

That's the irony of the serenity prayer. I DO have the power to change myself, but I opt to believe I can change others. I choose to believe if I just act a certain way my dad will accept me and love me. He will think I am worthy of his time, instead of just a ride.

I stray away from those who don't need to change. I don't chase those who accept me for me. Probably because I don't accept myself. I have had many years of therapy, which is probably why I’m just so damn insightful. I so badly want to be different, but truly want to fit in.

I don't want to be in a mold, but the thought of one seems like home. I want to reinvent myself, but how do reinvent something you don't even know?

I just wish for someone to read this and say "I get it". But the sad thing is the only way I'm writing this is because I know no one will see it. You won’t see me cry or hear my voice stutter. My eyes will not stray from yours, but each day I sink more and more into myself never to blossom.

I hate many things. I hate the thought of love. The feeling of stability. The sound of happiness. The touch of affection. The air of strength. The taste of contradiction. I hate the concept of hate and I just want the feeling of acceptance.

Someday Never Comes

School’s out! Has been for awhile, just hasn’t really sunken in. Next day after graduation I started a full time job and have no other plans for the future. No college. I’m ashamed every day to think about it. I thought I had it all figured out, but I’m finding out I’m more confused than ever.

I don’t know what I want to do with my life. And I fear that just with everything else, once I get it, I won’t want it. I just want to succeed at something, but the sad thing is I don’t have the talent or the drive.

I’m doing great at my new job. I’m getting better marks than people who have been there for years. But that’s just the problem. I’m doing so well, I’ve made it. Where’s the struggle? I want something fresh and exciting!

I have limited options. I’m not creative or talented enough for any interesting job and I’m too chicken to not have a steady paycheck.

I would love to be a teacher. But considering most all, no pretty much all, of my high school teachers hated me, I don’t think I would fit in that atmosphere.

A cop would be nice, but my family would disown me. On second thought, that might be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I’m in a hurry, but I don’t have anywhere to go. Some would say there’s no where to go but up. That would be nice except I know how to mess things up in a hurry.

I guess I’m just trying to chase that next high. Life high that is, when something is new and exciting. But thanks to Creedence, I know that “someday” never comes.